


#Mr(?)Right

by LinaTurmalina



Category: DC Super Hero Girls (Cartoon 2019)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Probably other characters too, and general nonsense, basically this is 'diana tries to learn human dating and discovers it's all very weird', lots of first dates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:20:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28491537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LinaTurmalina/pseuds/LinaTurmalina
Summary: After Zod, the girls decide Diana's crush on Steve is a danger to humankind. So they try to get her over it and used to the strange customs of human romantic relationships...by setting her up on a bunch of dates.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 11





	#Mr(?)Right

Kara stabbed the banana split before her. "I told you we should've shot him into space, instead."

Babs' forehead _thunk_ ed against the table. "We can't send humans into space! Or into another dimension," (she looked at Zee's raised index finger). "Or make an island for him somewhere far away, where on one can find him. Or turn him into a tiny, mosquito-sized Steve Trevor. Aaah!" She threw up her hands. "There's no solution to this! I've spent the last two-hundred-and-thirteen hours working out possibility algorithms. Nothing! Works!"

And she tossed her notebook onto the table, letting the others stare dejectedly at the yellow pages of equations and diagrams, each one scratched out.

A giggle erupted across the parlor, followed by the noise of Diana's superhumanly-strong knee bumping into the counter and bending the metal. Next to her, Steve gave her an oblivious smile as he inspected the milkshake options. He and his friends had come in shortly after the girls; which meant that, while Kara, Babs, Jess, Karen, and Zee had already placed their orders and carried their treats to a table, Diana had frozen mid-order and was staring in open-mouthed delight at Steve confusedly musing about Belgian versus regular chocolate.

Karen bit her lips. "Should we...go help?"

"What's the point?" Zee sighed. "He'll get a milkshake and leave, eventually."

"What if..." Jess twitched with mild horror. "What if he's in town to _stay_?" She covered her mouth, while everyone gasped.

"No!" Babs slapped a determined hand to the table. "He's only visiting for the day! This can't be a permanent problem!"

"It can if he starts visiting more often," muttered Kara. Her eyes narrowed in Steve's direction-

Zee put a hand in front of her face. "Can't incinerate him with super-vision, either."

Kara blew a disappointed raspberry. "Can't you turn him into a frog? Oh-great. Shh, super-hearing time." She cocked her head, listening to the noise of breaking glass and alarms from across town. When screams and elephant noises followed the alarms, she got up. "Something happening at the Zoo." 

They all stood, Karen looking doubtfully toward the starry-eyed Diana still arrested by the counter. "Should we get her?"

"No time!" Kara took her arm, and they dashed out the door.

* * *

"To think, I used to say baby bears were _cute_." Kara dragged herself back into their hideout, covered in slime and missing parts of her skirt.

"They _are_ cute!" argued Jess. "These were mutant alien baby bears that had had four mouths and shot icky goo from all of them. Those are...less cute." She couldn't bring herself to say they weren't cute at all. Foot-long tentacles and four pairs of gooey-venom-spitting fangs aside, the mutant alien baby bears still looked pretty cuddly. "Anyway, they were just acting out 'cause they weren't used to Earth creatures. They calmed down once we showed them how Earth works."

"And in the meantime, we almost got _eaten_." Zee dropped into a chair. "I told you we should've called Diana."

"She's still up there." Karen sighed in the direction of the ceiling. "Steve and his friends decided to have their milkshakes here, not take them to go."

"That's it." Kara flung a glob of slime out of her hair, straight at the wall. Her eyes were murderous. "I'm sending him to the Phantom Zone."

"No! Wait!" Babs hopped a chair, standing, eyes wide. "I have an idea! So, Diana's brain can't handle Steve Trevor, because he's the first boy she met when she came from her secret royal island full of warrior ladies, right? So maybe we can just do to her what we did to the mutant alien baby bears!"

The other four girls gave her identical confused blinks.

"...use freeze-breath to stop her from spitting venom?" asked Kara.

"Magically transform her teeth into gummy worms?" asked Zee.

Jess scratched her head. "Create an escape-proof but bear-friendly energy enclosure and lock her up in it for easier transport to an off-shore deserted island?"

"NO." Babs' eyes lit up. "Get her used to having crushes! Then it won't be so weird anymore and she won't freeze or go all," (she flailed her hands and let her eyes roll dopily in her head), "whenever she sees Steve! Don't you see: we just need to let her _habituate_ to how Earth teenage crushes work!"

"Er, question." Kara raised a hand. "How are we supposed to do that?"

Jess joined her hands in front of her, wearing an expression of awe. "No...we _find her more boys to date_."

Kara and Karen exchanged an unsure look, but Zee's eyes had started gleaming, too. Babs squeed and began jumping up and down, and there was no more room for objections.

* * *

Two nights later, five silhouettes sneaked out of their respective homes and into the secret headquarters below the ice cream parlor. Babs moved some furniture around and pulled, from a secret compartment in the wall, a folding bulletin board, which she propped up for all to see.

"Operation _Find Diana A New Crush_!" She grinned. "Alright: everyone bring forth your proposed candidate! We shall evaluate them all, then pick the best one!" She glanced left and right. "And let's do it fast, 'cause we got that history test tomorrow and I haven't slept in like eight days."

"Oooh!" Jess clapped her hands and pulled a poster from a binder. "Start with mine! Start with mine!" She slapped the poster onto the bulletin board. "This boy is worthy of Diana's attentions! And he's cute! And he cares about animals, and the environment, and he's gonna go to Diplomat School-"

Babs squinted. "Isn't that the crown prince of...Belgium?"

"Transylvania! And he's a prince! Like Diana's a princess." Jess sighed dreamily. "They're made for each other."

Kara rolled her eyes. "How are we supposed to bring her a European crown prince?"

Jess crossed her arms. "We were supposed to find the best candidate! No one said anything about where they live." She huffed. "Who'd you find?"

Kara took out a crumpled up sheet from a pocket. "I still think this is a bad idea, but whatever."

Babs glanced at the wrinkly paper. "Uh, a concert flier for an electric metal band...?"

"Their lead singer's good. And he plays better than anyone. And they're in town next week on tour."

"Is he nice?" asked Karen. "Does he treat girls well?"

"Is he clever?" asked Babs, and Zee hummed.

"Is he single?"

"How should I know?" Kara threw up her hands. "You said find a candidate, not research his life story."

"My prince is single, FYI," muttered Jess. "And nice. And he was in the international Physics Olympiad, so he's clever, too."

"Well...put them both up for consideration." Babs pinned the crumpled-up flier next to Jess's poster. "Who's next?"

"Well, uhm." Karen handed in her own poster. "I just think he's...cute, you know? And lots of girls like him, so. And he has nice...hair."

"Nooooo." Babs pulled a face as the poster went up on the board. "Bruce Wayne? He's the worst!"

"Well, I know he doesn't exactly live in Metropolis-but he's not far, it's driving distance! And he's cute, and he's got all those philanthropy initiatives - and I've seen him dance, on TV. And he looks good in a suit! He's perfect for Diana!"

"Blech." Babs let her shoulders slump. "Fine, I guess if that's the type she goes for. We'll keep him in the running. Who's next? Zee?"

"Carter Hall," said Zee. "The strong and quiet type. And they can both fly. That's a great first date - flying into the sunset? And he could be really interesting, beneath all that...silence."

"Eh." Babs pinned her poster next to the others, then put one up herself. "Hal Jordan!"

"Ack!" Jess looked like she'd smelled Hal's lucky socks. "He's...he's...a jock!"

"Well, I thought since they're both superheroes, they already have something in common," said Babs. "And he goes to our school, so he's nearby, and he's got great hair, and he always orders the same chocolate-y sundae that Diana does. So they have lots of things in common!" She huffed at their doubtful looks. "Fine, we'll vote."

Everyone voted for their own candidate, so they then had to do a series of tournament-like brackets, until at last the rankings got narrowed down to Hal Jordan and Bruce Wayne. To Babs' relief, Kara broke the tie and voted for Hal ('My stupid cousin likes Bruce Wayne, so obviously he sucks'), and so they decided to set up Diana on a date with him.

Jess objected on record.

**Author's Note:**

> this is 100% intended as humor so pls don't read much into it. It's just going to be a series of awkward dates ;) because sorry but HUMAN DATING IS THE MOST AWKWARD EVER.


End file.
